The Monkey Goes Where the Wind Blows ...
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This week, the Bush administration finally released the official start-date of the U.S. war in Iraq, giving the United Nations a March 17th deadline by which to disband, or face total annihilation. As a side-note the White House also designated that date as the deadline by which Iraq must be fully disarmed in order to avoid the gift of democracy. Secretary of State Colin Powell spoke to reporters after addressing the U.N. earlier this week, explaining that, �even though we consider the destruction of the Iraqi people a major priority, our greater motivation is to completely undermine the United Nations as a credible or functioning entity in global affairs. We wouldn�t be accused so consistently of violating international law if there was no international law of which to speak.�
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld elaborated on that position Friday, chuckling that, �that should take care of some of the crybabys.� D
During the same briefing, Donald Rumsfeld addressed his notorious remarks that characterized the opposition to America�s war in Iraq as �old Europe,� clarifying that, �when I used that term to describe countries like France and Germany, I just meant it in the respect that when we�re through with the world, they won�t have electricity, running water, or gay bathhouses, just like in Medieval times .�
So as the deadline approaches, the U.N.�s fifteen member security council remains sharply divided on the matter, but President Bush has maintained his steadfast confidence in the necessity of action in Iraq, strengthened by his belief that, �Jesus would never send a Yale man to Hell.� In light of international pleas, from both nation members of the U.N. and a weapon inspections team headed by Hans Blix, to continue pursuing peaceful disarmament, President Bush stated during his Thursday press conference that, �I think it�s clear beyond a reasonable doubt that we are still in a diplomatic phase right now. War is not inevitable. Saddam Hussein has until March 17th to decide. If by then 2 million Iraqi people spontaneously die, Saddam Hussein drowns in his kitchen sink, the United Nations stops inventing treaties we don�t want to sign, oil becomes obsolete, Iraq changes its national anthem to �Downtown� by Petula Clark, I win yet another term without having to undergo a democratic election, my father stops referring to me remorsefully as �Barbara�s night of indiscretion with a sub-average Ferris-wheel operator from a genetically questionable Mississippi pharmaceutical town,� and Iraq fully and finally disarms, then we can begin to make some peaceful progress. It�s a very simple demand that has been met with resistance, lies, and deception for more than a decade. This is Saddam Hussein�s last chance to prove he can disarm to avert war.�
Going into this weekend, Iraq responded to the American proposed deadline by quickening the pace of its missile destruction, under the observation of U.N. weapons inspectors. By Sunday afternoon, the number of dismantled weapons had jumped from six to 46. President Bush responded to these efforts of disarmament, opening and closing his remarks by indicating that, �that�s not what we mean by disarmament.� In order to better qualify the vagueness of America�s demands, the President explained that later in the week that, �while we consider regime change in Iraq inevitable, we consider war completely evitable.�
As the White House seriously contemplates the offhand possibility of war, cautiously weighing the costs and benefits therein, a quarter of a million U.S. troops have massed on the desert borders of Iraq, �for a military symposium on the importance of sand,� according to an unidentified officer stationed in Kuwait. Armed Forces General Tommy Franks spoke further on the special event that includes such sand-oriented educational clinics as driving tanks in the sand, blowing craters in the sand and littering the sand with body parts, stating that, �while the convention is geared toward tactical maneuvering in the sand, we are also acutely aware of our coincidental proximity to Iraq. And in the unlikely event that President Bush orders a strike on Iraq, we are prepared to send our valued sand experts home and go to work. We may be in the midst of a crucial training phase, but the United States army is always ready to answer the call of duty, no matter how suddenly it comes.�
And while it bears repeating that the war in Iraq is still avoidable according to the Bush administration, White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer warned Americans during a Friday press conference that, �the coming war, which is being done to prevent terrorism at home and abroad, will certainly renew the great threat of terrorist attacks against the United States and its friends and allies.� And to combat the routinely non-specific nature of Homeland Security�s recent terror alerts, he introduced the White House�s newest measure in ensuring the complete pervasion of an insane and unquenchable panic in the American public, unveiling www.itcouldbeyou.gov. The new, federally maintained website will give Americans the opportunity to sign in, enter personal information and find out if they, individually, could be the next victim of a terrorist attack. Fleischer described it as �a great way to assess your own vulnerability." All you have to do is enter your name, address, social security number, credit card information, a copy of the deed to your house, the number of crimes you�ve been convicted of, the names of all the communists you�ve ever met, read or seen on television, you�re favorite pillar of Islam and three magazines that you�d most like to receive great subscription deals on and we tell you whether or not you, your family or your friends could be the next victims of a fundamentalist terrorist attack. If the answer is yes, you will be presented with a list of products that could protect you from terrorism, thanks to an agreement between the administration and the Best Buy superstore chain. The site will also feature such purchase options as anti-terror supply gift certificates, local militia recruitment videos and personal crowd control tasers.